Why Doesn't My Dyslexic Kid Want to Go to School?!

Is your dyslexic kid refusing to go to school? What does that mean? And what can you do about it?

It got me diagnosed when I was in third grade, and it was the most relieving day of my life because I finally had like kind of a place to hang my hat and say, see, I told you I'm not lazy, definitely not stupid. I just learned differently. Like, that's totally okay. With dyslexics, we were often, you know, just set up for failure because, you know, we were given books and tasks that really are not appropriate for the level that we were at.

So, how do you expect anyone to be open to learning when their entire relationship with reading, with learning, is physical pain? Wish I had understood when I was younger that the fact that my brain worked differently than people meant that I would be good at things in ways that other kids were not going to be good at. I just assumed, I can't be dyslexic because letters don't jump up and down for me.

Dyslexia is not a disorder. It is not a disease. Once you sort of own it and embrace it, then you can have the power to deal with it. It's sort of empowering and also enriching to the whole community. To those who don't understand what dyslexia is, that it's not a negative, it's not a problem, it's, like we keep saying, superpower.

Hey, everyone. We are Sonja and Nick, and this is Dyslexia Journey. And today we are tackling the topic of school avoidance. So, we'll start by explaining a little bit about what we mean by school avoidance, and then we'll talk about some reasons that your dyslexic kid in particular might be avoiding, trying to avoid going to school, and we'll give you some tips for what to do about it. Okay, so what is school avoidance? Like, how does this look? How could this look if this were happening with your kid?

So, one thing that could happen is that they resist going to school, right? They resist going to school in the morning. Maybe that can look very, very clear. Like, they don't want to get out of the car at school, or they say, I don't want to go to school. It could be a little more subtle, though. Like, maybe they resist getting out of bed in the morning. And, of course, there can be other reasons for that, too, that you can check out.

But one possibility could be that they don't want to get up because they don't want to go to school. On the other hand, it could look like coming home a lot. And that can be a little tricky to distinguish, right? That can be tricky to distinguish from something that, for example, is a real health problem that they actually have, like headaches. You know, our daughter, we found out, has migraines. But it's also possible that if a kid's coming home a lot, it could be because they're trying to avoid school.

And I want to say here, too, that, like, that's often not conscious. Like, it's not, often it would be that maybe the kid's feeling stressed, so they are feeling it kind of in their body. Or it's just not fully conscious that they're thinking, like, oh, I'm going to, you know, make this excuse so I can't come home. It's often much more complicated than that and sort of interrelated with how they're feeling in their body.

But it's just something to consider that that, you know, either on its own or could be interplaying with something else that, you know, that they have that can be increased by stress. And then it ends up being school avoidance, right, because they're coming home so much. And this will look different at different ages, too, I think. And different children are going to be, some of them are going to be more comfortable and more in tune with their emotions.

And they're going to be able to express verbally, like, I don't want to go to school because of this. And some kids, it's going to, you know, look more like dragging in the morning, that kind of thing. Right, exactly. Yeah. So why might this be? What might be going on that makes your dyslexic kid school avoidance? And, of course, this is going to be so variable for everyone. So don't take this at all as an exclusive list.

But we just want to mention some of the possibilities. So one could be that they feel different at school. So it could be almost more of a social thing or an identity thing. If they're feeling different, whether they're identified or have been identified or not yet. So they could feel different because they can tell that they're not keeping up, or it could be that they actually are identified and feel different, you know, just because of that.

Yeah, and kind of similarly, school can be tough at times for everyone. But as we've discussed many times, especially for dyslexic kids, they can start to feel really badly about themselves. They can start to feel dumb, stupid. They can start to feel like people think badly of them. Their teachers think they're lazy. So there's lots of kind of negative things that can happen to dyslexic kids in that regard. And so, you know, obviously, that's going to make someone not want to go back to that environment where they're being made to feel that way.

Right. And so that could look like actual bullying, right? But it might be more subtle than that. It could just be more subtle in how they're feeling it from other kids. And, you know, just to say a little more about the teacher thing, too. Sometimes that can be, yeah, that they're sort of clashing, you know, could be subtly, but with a teacher because the teacher is not understanding what's going on with them.

And, you know, they're saying maybe they're not paying attention when they're trying to think they're taking longer with something or, you know, something like that. So there could be those kind of social things, whether it's with peers or kind of the whole social group or with the teacher that are going on. And then a huge reason that your kid, dyslexic kid in particular, might not want to go to school is mental overload.

And this can encompass a wide range of things. School is, school is, can be hard. You're expected to concentrate for six, seven hours a day, even at the ages of six or seven. And for dyslexic kids, as we've talked, it takes even more mental energy to focus. And so maybe they just don't feel like they can focus for that long on that particular day. And then also, I mean, school is just stressful, even for kids who don't have a learning challenge.

And so, you know, maybe there's a, they can start feeling stress about grades and about test scores. And, and I think it's natural to want to avoid situations where you're going to be under that sort of stress. Right. And especially, you know, if, if something is making you feel all the time, like you're not good at it. I mean, it doesn't feel good to be doing that a lot of the time every day.

So I think there's just that pure psychological reason too, you know, and, you know, something you're struggling with often doesn't feel as fun. Right. So another kid might be enjoying the reading a lot more that they have to do. And your kid might be like, this is something they feel forced to do, for example, especially like early on when they're still working a lot on those reading skills. Right. And especially for dyslexic kids who, yeah, their, their strengths are generally not going to, to lie in reading and writing.

And most of school is so focused around those strengths that are not, or those abilities that are not going to be naturally their strengths, that it, it, it is, I think, natural for dyslexic kids to need more breaks. Although I always have to add my caveat that I think often we assume we sort of take that globally, like that kid, you know, that they're not good at language arts, for example. And it's not as simple as that, right?

Because it's really the mechanics of it that are so emphasized for obvious reasons, like a lot of the time. But sometimes they do have, you know, that ability if they're able to access it and then produce it in a different, you know, with accommodations or whatever needs to happen to, you know, be great with storytelling or even organizing, you know, potentially every kid's going to be different. So, so just know that they, you know, they can be potentially good at it, but, but even for someone, even for a kid who that might be true for, often in those early years and when the mechanics are extra focused or they haven't figured out what works for them yet for accommodations, they still might, it might still be really hard and they would want to avoid it.

So, so yeah. Yeah. That's an important point to, to always remember. and then maybe the last thing I'll say about, about why your dyslexic kid might be school avoidant is that there are lots of reasons that have nothing to do with dyslexia. I mean, maybe they're having a hard time socially at that particular time. Maybe they're, starting to get sick. I mean, there's just so many reasons. Right. So it's worth considering those two, that there might be something else going on.

Yeah. Okay. So what are some tips for what to do when you see school avoidance happening in your kid? So really important to listen to their feelings. And this again, might not be direct, right? It might not be as direct, as you know, they know they're upset about a certain thing. Right. but I think it's sort of, we mean this more like in an acceptance kind of way. So however that's presenting in words or behavior of your kid, if, if you, and this can be hard, right?

Cause you, it's like, we want to jump to the solution already. We want to jump to like, I don't want this to be happening already. So can we stay in the moment with the kid and sort of be accepting them where they're at, whether that means actually listening to feelings that are coming out or upsets about school without, you know, immediately trying to say, oh, but you, you know, it can be better immediately this way or something like that.

that can be really important. Yeah. And try not to, yeah, like, like Sonja said, I just want to emphasize this, try not to jump in immediately with a fix because it could be that, what they are expressing their feelings about. And, and getting upset about might be just one tiny piece of, of the real problem. And so if they, you know, if you're elementary school kid, if you're a 10 year old before school is, is, suddenly having a tantrum about the fact that, that they don't like what the hot lunch in school is going to be that day.

just suggesting that they bring a sandwich instead is probably not going to fix the underlying problem. Right, right, right. And I think all of this goes towards the next tip, which is to make sure that you and your home are a safe space, right? So that means what we just talked about in terms of allowing their feelings and, you know, listening to them and trying to be present with where they're at.

but it also means not jumping in, like, let's say, and saying, oh, well, the teacher just meant this or, you know, feeling like you have, let's say it was something that, that happened with the teacher. Like, not feeling like you have to immediately, I think sometimes we're taught, we have this idea that we have to do that with kids to teach them about like social give and take and all that. And like, that can be part of what we teach them.

But right in the moment when something's happening, it's better to be the safe space. So it's like, we're on their side. That wouldn't mean, of course, that you wouldn't later, that doesn't have anything to do with the fact that later you're going to help them. Let's say it is an issue with the teacher, come to some agreement with the teacher, you still would do that. But being the safe space for them and, you know, ultimately they just have this feeling and know that you're on their side is really important.

Okay. So our next point is related to, children kind of embracing, embracing their power. And I think school, unfortunately has a way of making children feel powerless in a lot of ways. And so, your child, your dislexive child in particular, expressing the desire to not go to school on any, a particular day, might be a way of trying to express some small amount of power in a, in a system in which they feel mostly powerless.

And that can be tricky to help them with, but there's, there's ways you can try. Right. There's some ways you can try. Right. And so, it's important, I think, to, recognize that, that your child is an independent person and does have wants and needs and to, try to respect when they're trying to assert their power as much as possible. Right. Right. And so, so we'll get into a little more like, you know, tackling, are they actually going to go to school or not?

For example, in the morning and a later tip, but keeping in mind that giving them some amount of control over, over things, you know, will be helpful. So, you know, what kind of decision could they make in any given situation where they, you can feel like you can give them some power could be, could be helpful also in the moment. Okay. So our next tip, you know, we talked about a little bit that your kid might not be even totally conscious themselves about what, what's really bothering them.

but so it could be important to try to talk through their day with them, try to see if you can pinpoint whether they're able to access it or you just are sort of talking through what is school like in general for you or trying to like understand better. If you can try to pinpoint if there is something specific going on, of course, that's really important because it may be something that you can ameliorate, that you can get accommodations around, that you can talk to someone about.

There, there, there could be something that you, you know, something that can be, you know, I don't, we don't necessarily like the word fixed exactly because often it involves, you know, a lot of, interplay of all kinds of factors. so it's not like this quick fix kind of thing, but there could be something that can be made better for them. Yeah. And maybe it's a very specific thing. Like there's, one person who's bullying in some way.

Or there's a particular time when it's just somehow they've, they're extra stressed out, like a particular, I don't, I can't think of an exact example. Like I keep thinking of kids lining up and there's some particular time when something's stressful to them. I don't know how that would relate exactly in each kid's case, but I just sort of have this mental image of like a scene of like where somehow every day at a certain time there's the bell line up, but there's something and, and there's an issue for them.

And that is something teachers are used to dealing with, with kids like pretty easily. Like the, if they understand that they, they don't always see it. Right. Because they're, they're dealing with so many different kids they're watching. They might not have noticed that there's something that's particularly stressful. So anyway, there, there can be all kinds of ways this looks, but why not like try to see, like, if you can see what are sort of the issues or is there something specific?

Maybe it is broader, but then you sort of know the flavor of it for your particular kid because it's an understanding that, that, that gives a lot of power towards what you can do to make it better. Yeah. Yeah. and to kind of dig into that a little bit further in to how you could sort of understand what's happening at school. if this is becoming persistent or chronic, the school avoidance, then, you should probably talk to their teachers.

so, if they're in, in primary school, they're likely to have maybe just one main teacher. So it'd be pretty easy to, to chat with them and just say, Hey, like what, what is my child like at school? Like, because they, they seem unhappy about school at home. Like what's, what's going on. and, you know, if, if your school allows it, maybe you can come observe if they're, young enough that that wouldn't embarrass them.

so. But just asking a teacher to notice that or say what they've noticed already, you know, can be helpful because there may be something, again, if, if the kid doesn't have access to what's going on consciously with their teacher's attention, then focused on it, they might actually be able to see what's going on. Right. So that can be a really good way to go. Plus it just, you know, keeps that relationship going with the teacher and the school that there is something going on.

So they understand too. All right. So we're going to get a little bit into now some tips around, you know, whether they're actually going to go to school or not, like how to deal with that. So we do think it's important that sometimes a kid can take a mental health day, like at whatever age. I know people get nervous about this because they feel like, Oh, well then it's just going to become this habit and they're going to do it all the time.

But I think starting with the idea that ever this can happen, if they're especially stressed out, it's like you take the day and then, you know, you're trying to sort of regroup and figure things out that are going on that, that can be important to do. Yeah. And this goes back to really, our earlier points about really listening to your child and, respecting their autonomy and, giving them some semblance of their own power.

Right. And you can just know that, that, you know, making a decision for a given day, you're going with really with your intuition and God is not the same thing as saying, you know, that that's going to be how it is every day now. And they're going to always make that decision and you're not going to work on whatever's going on. That's totally different. Right. you can also compromise. So, if your child in the morning is resisting going to school, you can have a discussion and say, okay, well, what would help you go to school today?

Maybe, could we go a little bit late? Can we go an hour or two late with that? Would that help you? or let's say there's something that we, you've discovered is the problem time. Like let's say there's a particular recess time when there's a kid, they don't like who bullies them or something like that. you could consider, you know, temporarily taking them out during that time while you're figuring out what to do about what's going on.

Right. Right. Yeah. And of course I want to acknowledge that this is going to be stressful for you as a parent because most likely you have work that you need to get to or that you need to be doing. And so you don't want to take your whole morning, dealing with your child who's refusing to go to school. So I just, I want to acknowledge that this is hard for us as caregivers.

Yeah. Yeah. So it's something to think about ahead of time. Is there any support network you could call on, for example, like let's say you need to get to work. Is there someone, a friend who could, you know, who could take the kid to school? Is there some, is there some way that that could happen, you know, given your particular circumstances, which can be challenging of course, but it's important. and so finally, you know, we think of this as a last resort, but it really can happen. In fact, we, you know, as you may have remember from other episodes, we did at one point pull our daughter out of school and, you know, it was after a while of things going on.

And then we were trying to figure out what was going on, but we just, our gut was that she was so resistant at that point and that we didn't see like a way that that could just be fixed that, that we, you know, did try homeschooling her for a while and pulled her out because of that. so it's, it's worth considering that like as a possibility and sort of having the, just, just realizing that you can be potentially flexible around, okay, this might have to look completely different from how it looks now.

Whether that means eventually a different school, whether it means homeschooling, whether it means just a temporary pullout. And then, then you've, you know, you've found some of the resources, whatever that looks like, but we really always encourage trusting your gut as a parent when things are going on, because, because it's also true that sometimes the school resistance, if it goes on and on, you know, it's just sort of gets more deeply and deeply ingrained.

And sometimes having a shift where something's different and very, very different, completely different can reset the kid eventually, though it often takes a little bit of time.

Yeah. And, I guess if it's reached that point, don't, don't expect things to resolve immediately. So if they're super resistant to one school and you immediately put them in a different school, chances are good that they're going to be pretty resistant to that school too. But that was actually, that actually happened to our daughter. we pulled her out of one school, tried to immediately put her in another school and that didn't go very well.

But some schools, it depends on the school. If you found one that is willing to kind of work with the kid to adjust them and is also realizes that, that can sometimes be okay. because we've had guests on before who, who understand, run schools who, who have that understanding. And so it, so it's not the, it's not that you can't put the kid in pretty soon to the school because that school themselves are going to be taking the slower approach to integrating them.

So, so hopefully this was helpful. I mean, it's a really difficult issue. It's one of the most difficult issues in a lot of ways that we deal with is school resistance, whether, you know, in this case, often related to dyslexia for these kids. But in other ways too, for other parents out there, I know that can be a really tricky thing because it's like you want, it makes you feel panicky for so many reasons, schedules being messed up, you know, the long-term goals and fears about that, like fears about are they, they can't just drop out of school when they're in second grade, you know, like this kind of stuff.

So, so hopefully I think, I think maybe as a final point here, just like normalizing that this does happen a lot. It does happen a lot and like you will get through it and it's not always going to be like this. And so it really is just something that you're dealing with right now that's going to get resolved. It's just hard when you can't see how the resolution is going to come yet.

Yeah. And we'd love to hear your, your experiences with this and your tips. So email us at parenting Dyslexia Journey at gmail.com. We read all our emails. We'd love to hear from you. Yeah. Thanks everyone.

We'll see you next time.